Two weeks ago, I quit the only real job I’ve had and had my official last day Friday. Why doesn’t really matter. What does, is that for all intents, I died to my old coworkers.

“Congratulations”, my boss said when I’d told him about my offer, “boy, we’ll miss you”. It only took three words and *snap* I became Other to a company that was, for the last 5 years, my only professional home. In a 5 minute slack video call, it became we vs you. Despite the poor WeWork reception, I could see the mental calculus he was doing even before I’d finished telling him. Well, moving on…., his eyes seemed to say.

Corporations always drive straight down the stupid route when they can, so knowing how unserious employers can be, I didn’t care so much they didn’t treat me well on my way out. Rather more significantly, I recognized in that “we’ll miss you”, I’d been separated - stable asset wheat from the former asset chaff. I made light of my team and I’s sadness by reassuring that I thankfully wasn’t gone, I mean damn. But in my own small way, I was. In an instant, the page flipped, and I was on the next proverbial train, suitcase in hand.

Recently, I’ve been mulling over all the decisions that have gotten me to where I am. I’ve been thinking more and more about the roads taken and chapters closing. Why’d I take this job 5 years ago and not leave until now? More about what our lives mean to us and to others, or should have, and what their to have mean when we’re gone. What should my profession really mean to me? What about the world - what do I owe it? According to the population bureau (who’s running that by the way?), 105+ billion people have already died on this planet - I’m statistically the last person to ask these questions. But I’m asking since my therapist brought it up and I’m a modern, emotionally available man. “If you looked back in 5 years, what would have made your life worthwhile?”, she said, “and what about if it ended today - would you consider it a success so far?”

The end of this work chapter is just the latest road taken and chapter ending - one that has powered so many other changes. For 5 years, I’ve made, lost, and rediscovered close personal relationships; I gained 2 new tiny family members; I’ve have been in the best and worst physical shape of my life; I’ve been as indifferent and excited about the future as ever. I’m less earnest, more patient, similarly anxious. I drank a lot of Guinness, ran a lot of miles, and did one or two worthwhile things for family, friends, coworkers, strangers. What a fuckin ride! But did I do good?

Now I look upon the precipice with more questions than ever and I’m finally ready to jump. When I land though, what will the journey have meant?